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Copyright American Tract Society - Garland TX. [used by
permission]
Every piece of research I have regarding the development of a child's sexual identity is either directly or indirectly related to one particular verse in the Bible:
"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
Ephesians 6:4 is a compass that enables a father to give his children correct guidance toward finding their sexual identities. An Ephesians 6:4 father is the compass boys read in order to find the correct path to masculinity and girls read to find the right road to femininity.
Why is this sexual identity thing such a big deal? Author John Piper says, "Confusion over the meaning of sexual personhood is epidemic.... The consequence ... is more divorce, more homosexuality, more sexual abuse, more social awkwardness, and more emotional distress and suicide that comes with the loss of God-given identity."
That's why it's such a big deal.
Just as a compass has four key marks -- north, south, east, and west -- so Ephesians 6:4 gives the Christian father four directions for pointing his children toward their correct sexual identity. And whether he knows it or not, his children are reading him like a compass every day of their lives.
Let's jump into this verse and pull out the reference points that will enable us to give our children the direction they need to embrace their God-appointed sexual identities.
Colossians 3:21, which is parallel to the thought in Ephesians 6:4, says: "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart." The idea behind "exasperate" is "embitter." This complements perfectly the word used in Ephesians 6:4 translated "provoke them to anger." The meaning here is "to bring one along to a deep seated anger." This kind of anger in children springs from continual and habitual unfair treatment. Wouldn't that kind of treatment make you angry? Of course it would. Habitual unfairness over the years results in an accumulation of anger that eventually embitters children toward their fathers.
William Hendriksen suggests there are at least six ways a father can embitter his children.
Fathers, do not exasperate your children!
The word translated in Ephesians 6:4 as "bring them up" means "to nourish, to provide for with tender care." Masculine men are also tender men. They have a balance.
Just exactly what is tenderness? It's sensitivity toward others. Allow me to let you in on a secret. It's easier for me to define tenderness than to practice it. It is something I am in the process of learning. But if I allow this weakness to go unchecked, I may end up embittering my children.
Our children need to feel tenderness from us as well as from their mothers. They need dads who are interested in the stuff of their lives. They need dads who will listen before they spank. They need dads who will give them plenty of hugs and kisses.
Children also need dads who are kind. Every once in a while, my wife Mary will look at me and say, "Steve, you're not being kind." She has been right every time she has said it. As a result, I've tried to keep in mind the wise words of Allan Loy McGinnis: "Relationships are built up, like a fine lacquer finish, with the layers of kindness."
Let me suggest four tips that can help a man develop tenderness with his children.
Ephesians 6:4 says children are to be raised in the discipline and admonition of the Lord. The word discipline refers primarily to what is done to the child. In contrast, the word admonition refers primarily to what is said to the child.
The purpose of this discipline and admonition is to build the child. Children need fathers who love them enough to set boundaries and keep them. Children need fathers who are in control. Quite frankly, there are too many families in America where the children are in control.
There is a balance between firmness and tenderness that good fathers are constantly trying to achieve. Most of us tend to err on one side or the other. Don't get discouraged in your attempts to find the balance. Hang in there. For when you stop to think about it, there is only one way to achieve balance. We find balance by losing it.
The phrase "in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" refers to the quality of training in the home. This is what ensures quality control. Discipline and admonition that are not "of the Lord" can quickly degenerate to verbal and physical abuse. That kind of behavior obviously does not meet the standards of Christ.
When a father disciplines and instructs his children in the admonition of the Lord, he is under the quality control of the Holy Spirit. His primary purpose is to train the child, not abuse the child. The fact that he is under the influence of this quality control-rather than out of control-is an example to his children of the way they are to handle their children when they become parents. This quality control is to be modeled so that it can be imitated by the next generation.
What results when a son reads the moral compass of his father and gets the correct moral bearings? What happens when a daughter has a father who provides the necessary reference points of fairness, tenderness, firmness-all under the quality control of Christ? The result is a child who not only has a clear sexual identity, but also has a backpack chock full of healthy self-confidence.
A young man with a healthy compass and a young woman with a healthy compass will not lack for direction when they get married. They will have very little anxiety about the new responsibilities that will soon be theirs when children come into their lives. They will intuitively provide for them the same fairness, tenderness, and firmness they received while growing up. The result? Another generation of children influenced for Christ!
Dad, will you follow God's word in Ephesians 6:4 so that He can use you as the compass for your family? Steve Farrar